hammersmithunison: Tim Tebow

For God so loved the world that in Denver's playoff win over Pittsburgh, He made Tim Tebow rack up 316 passing yards. A truly miraculous stat, since Tebow has become the official poster child for religious kooks. Tebow's cult-like following has given rise to a whole new cottage industry: analyzing the offensive stats of mediocre quarterbacks. Forget about trying to crack the Bible Code (that's so 2011). The truly enlightened know where to go for prophetic revelations of Biblical proportions, and that place is the sports page.

Now, for all of you godless liberal heathens who think the only thing the pages of the Bible are good for is rolling a big fat doobie, let me explain the hubbub about 3:16. It's the famous passage from the book of John which states, "For God so loved the world that he gave us football of Sundays," or something to that extent. That's why you commonly see a John 3:16 sign being held up in the stadium bleachers by a half-naked redneck in a rainbow-colored wig. The same types of people who claim to see the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a piece of French toast are now insisting that Tebow's 316 yards is some kind of omen.

If this is some kind of sign from above, we should all be racing to our Bibles to see what other messages the Good Lord is trying to convey to us through the NFL. Let's look at the offensive statistics of other quarterbacks and see what the Bible has to say.

Drew Brees threw for 366 yards in the Saints' playoff victory over the Lions. According to Jeremiah 36:6, "You go, therefore, and read from the scroll which you have written at my instruction." Well, that's an encouraging sign! The passage refers to God telling Jeremiah to write a scroll, which is the Book of Jeremiah, which is what I'm looking at right now. My interpretation is that God is telling me to proceed. I must be on to something.

T.J. Yates tallied 159 yards, leading the Houston Texans to their first ever playoff victory. Since it took the Texans a decade to accomplish such a feat, the Bible surely must have something profound to say. This could refer to 1 Kings 15:9, "In the twentieth year of Jeroboam, Asa became king over Judah," or perhaps Joshua 15:9, "Then the border went around from the top of the hill to the fountain of Nephtoa", or possibly Numbers 15:9, which talks about bulls and grain and three-tenths of an ephah, whatever the hell that means. And there's Leviticus 15:9, which appears to be describing the sinfulness of male bodily discharge. Interesting reading, but hardly prophetic.

Eli Manning racked up 277 yards as his Giants routed the Falcons. Psalm 27:7 states, "Hear, Oh Lord, when I cry with my voice!" Giants fans are no strangers to crying, but since they handily won the NFC Wild Card game, this passage makes no sense. Ezekiel 27:7 talks about fine embroidered linen from Egypt. Matthew 27:7, "and they consulted together and bought with them the potter's field" doesn't seem very relevant, nor does Exodus 27:7 (the poles shall be put in the rings) or Genesis 27:7 (bring me game and make savory food for me). However, I often do instruct my wife to bring me food while I'm watching a game. Does that count?

Hate to burst your bubble, religious zealots, but Tebow's 316 yards is just a number. There is nothing magical or mystical about it. It's simply a coincidence.

Last week I pulled into a gas station and topped off the tank. How much did it take to fill up? $6.66. That's right, folks, the mythical Number of the Beast, the baddest number imaginable. Surely, the Lord must be sending me a message through a Sunoco gas pump! After all, my car is a BMW, a company which made aircraft for the Nazis during WWII. If Tebow is a prophet, does that make my car the Antichrist?